1. that you left me because i was not __________ (blank)__________ enough
2. or because i was too much of _____(what?!?)________,
which you could not take –
on a very regular basis
what?
3. that being left by you leaves me with the certainty of being un-
(or at least no longer) -loved by you
and the question of to what degree am i eventually to be eternally unloved
by anyone
4. or just by anyone remotely like you
5. and the next question
(sometimes veering on a certainty, but which i repeatedly realize, in the process of stepping back to reality that it is, in truth, only a question)
in other words i think
that i can not know who is extremely similar to you
or who possesses the quality of yours’
of not being able to – as you always said – take me (live with me)
-at least not on a very regular basis
6. ahem – that i can not know unless i try who is and who isn’t
better yet
who can and who can’t
love and live in loving
the complication of me
taking the good with the bad and
experiencing all of it
-or me -
as the good
7. and – AHEM --
that no matter how many times i thought i could fool myself into
thinking otherwise
i was and will never have a mind available to
the love of another
until i give up completely
on
the idea of us
the idea, that is, of you and i actively engaging in the life of us
8. and the circular and wondering question of if
i can turn my face and daily intention away from seeking to fix
that which has clearly gone from wrong to wronger
9. and not identify myself as a failure for doing so
10. in another set of words
does giving up on a life of loving you mean giving up on love in general?
11. does it mean converting my thoughts on having loved you into the sorrowful and tedious thought: “well, it must not have been True Love.”?
12. or can i simply say: “some things are not meant to be.” ?
13. and walk away
with myself
taking the good with the bad
saying
knowing that
the bad is not bad,
it’s just different than the original fantasy and
taking myself back
saying
Knowing That
i Can Love
and still (not give Myself away)
